[fusion_builder_container hundred_percent=”no” hundred_percent_height=”no” hundred_percent_height_scroll=”no” hundred_percent_height_center_content=”yes” equal_height_columns=”no” menu_anchor=”” hide_on_mobile=”small-visibility,medium-visibility,large-visibility” class=”” id=”” background_color=”” background_image=”” background_position=”center center” background_repeat=”no-repeat” fade=”no” background_parallax=”none” enable_mobile=”no” parallax_speed=”0.3″ video_mp4=”” video_webm=”” video_ogv=”” video_url=”” video_aspect_ratio=”16:9″ video_loop=”yes” video_mute=”yes” video_preview_image=”” border_size=”” border_color=”” border_style=”solid” margin_top=”” margin_bottom=”” padding_top=”” padding_right=”” padding_bottom=”” padding_left=””][fusion_builder_row][fusion_builder_column type=”1_1″ layout=”2_3″ spacing=”” center_content=”no” link=”” target=”_self” min_height=”” hide_on_mobile=”small-visibility,medium-visibility,large-visibility” class=”” id=”” background_color=”” background_image=”” background_position=”left top” background_repeat=”no-repeat” hover_type=”none” border_size=”0″ border_color=”” border_style=”solid” border_position=”all” padding_top=”” padding_right=”” padding_bottom=”” padding_left=”” dimension_margin=”” animation_type=”” animation_direction=”left” animation_speed=”0.3″ animation_offset=”” last=”no”][fusion_text]Just because someone doesn’t know any better does not excuse bad behavior. Unless, a person learns a new, different or many times, a better way to act, they stay stuck and cannot change or grow.  We repeat the behaviors that we know – good or bad.  There are those who don’t have the capacity to change to which we can “Bless their heart” and not put any energy or angst their direction and those that haven’t yet learned a better way.  [/fusion_text][fusion_global id=”12779″][/fusion_builder_column][fusion_builder_column type=”1_1″ layout=”1_1″ spacing=”” center_content=”no” link=”” target=”_self” min_height=”” hide_on_mobile=”small-visibility,medium-visibility,large-visibility” class=”” id=”” background_color=”” background_image=”” background_position=”left top” background_repeat=”no-repeat” hover_type=”none” border_size=”0″ border_color=”” border_style=”solid” border_position=”all” padding_top=”” padding_right=”” padding_bottom=”” padding_left=”” dimension_margin=”” animation_type=”” animation_direction=”left” animation_speed=”0.3″ animation_offset=”” last=”no”][fusion_text]

A Secret Back Door

If we are interested in transformation, a bit of self-reflection goes a long way… Try asking yourself,  “Is it them or me?”  Reflection and some Holy Spirit conviction can help us determine if we are part of the problem.  Now this is twisty… Even though I can only control my own behavior, I have learned that in relationships we value, our own misguided behavior can prevent others from learning and growing.  

In reality, this is kind of a secret back door to affecting change and growth in others in which you are in relationship.  

Another more common word is boundaries.   The Ten Rights and Permissions list I’ve provided to subscribers is really about healthy boundaries.   Dr. Henry Cloud,  a Christian psychologist, and leadership guru has written numerous books that I have found extremely helpful.  Besides the Boundaries Series, he wrote Changes That Heal and Necessary Endings to name a few.  Check out my Resources.

Being raised by a mother who needed to control and marrying a man with the same bent, my modus operandi was to do things to make them happy!  I learned in counseling that I was a pleaser who didn’t know how to communicate my needs.  I felt I was doing all the right things to please my husband while I bottled and suppressed my opinions, took responsibility for his moods and neglected my own needs.   Unknowingly,  I was trying to gain my worth by earning his love.  I was blaming him and a lot of it was me.  Ugghh.

I was a powder keg.  And when I blew, Gary would get a letter!  I would pour out my discontent, begging for changes, while he received these letters as indictments of his failure as a husband.   We were on two different sinking ships for quite some time.   

I can’t emphasize enough how easily our expectations and assumptions can mess with our well-being because usually, they are unspoken.  I know we all have them, but freedom comes when we are able to communicate them and recognize what we can and cannot control.  For me, that started with the Ten Rights and Permissions.   It took a while, but I learned a better way to live with healthy communication and boundaries.   And the bonus? By me learning a better way, so did Gary! 

When You Know Better, You Do Better!

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